Blue Steel

I'm not entirely sure anymore. I have been thinking about this a little bit lately. Thirty-one years old and haven't ever dated IRL. I've never experienced what it's like to have companionship. Sometimes I wavier between wanting it and not. I still find myself pushing people away if they show the slightest interest in me. Is it because I'm holding onto the hope of unrequited love? Is it truly my fault? Or is it because of my social anxiety and shyness? I don't know anymore. Don't get me wrong though. I've seen how happy he is atm. I truly hope it stays that way for him. He deserves it... and I know one day he will become an actor. Maybe I haven't actually let go. I don't know anymore. When you're having dreams about somebody you've never met in person constantly. It's very confusing. I go from being I'm better off alone - to is this really it? This all life has to offer me after all these years? When you always hear life gonna get better one day but in reality all it does it get harder and harder. I'm not sure what I want in the end. I just know that I'm still smiling even though I'm sad.





Seeking,

Reaching,

 Yearning,

For a father who never wanted me

Living the dream of an unrequited love

I'm suffering, 

I need to move on

But what's even waiting for me? 

Endometriosis?

Anxiety?

PTSD?

Learning disabilities?

Blazerine? 

All I've done is held onto the pain

When is it time to let it all go? 

I'm tired of drowning





This blue heart of steel is finally melting...

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